Parenting Relationships
7th March 2006
Most parents ask me about motivating their children. They don’t seem to be able to do it. But I also know that in the context of Singapore today, parenting styles we once had are completely different from those that we need today!
Here’s an example. A parent once came up to me and was unhappy with her child because she was always lying. According to education expert Dr. Sid Jacobson, this is a symptom of a poor relationship between parent and child. The lying takes place only when the child feel insecure and fears revealing information that is true. In our current world to day, you can hardly deny a child from playing with computer games. But at the same time, parents always think it is the child’s responsibility to do everything. That is just not true. Parents and children have a connection, and through this connection, form a system. It’s not a fault of parents or children if there is frustration and fighting. No one ‘created’ that problem. It was established due to the fact that our interpretations of each other’s intent was ineffective. Sometimes, parents are worried that their children will ‘get away with it’.
Interestingly, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who is also one of the commanders of the local training schools for the SAF, and he agrees with me. We are all predisposed to our environment that shapes the direction we think and react. If we expect children to learn the lessons we tell them about, we deprive them of the lessons that they may need to experience. In this case, his father pulled a surprise 1 week before his O levels saying they were going on a holiday. Because my friend was a last minute “study-er†he felt nervous ahead of time. This literally forced him to feel the pain of not studying way before the actual examination began.
This approach has been well documented in Frank Farelly’s Provocative Therapy. The therapist is there to create a provocative experience for the individual, prodding in places that affect the client. However, the experience that is created for the individual must be more than just creating pain. More often than not, Provocative Therapy is based on a strong therapist-client relationship, and an extremely high level of rapport. Parents need to learn how to establish rapport. This skill can be learnt, and will also require the understanding of the human brain and its development. After all, you can hardly blame teenagers or growing children for certain kinds of behavior especially if they are due to changes in their body that they are not aware of.
If you are interested to learn more, you can get a copy of the audio interview I did with Dr. Sid Jacobson at 62740105 and find out more about creating fantastic relationships with your children. Retail price is $15.