Parenting Psychology

One of the most imporant parts of parenting communication is for you to understand the undertones of your message. There are two forms of communication, overt and covert. When you’re speaking with your child, you might ask “Where are you going”. The answer might be “Out”.

Now, in this short exchange, there is potential for a lot of conflict, because there are multiple assumptions in the message. First, “Where are you going” is, at the surface, a question requesting information. However, if the receiver believes it is an interrogative, it will serve as a threat. As parents, we need to be very careful that our message is not framed in a way we do not desire.

So, to avoid this, you have pre-frames. “Son, I’d like to know if we can chat before I fly off for my business trip. Where are you going?” This is probably less threatening. The fact is, most of us may not have anchored ourselves to clear communication, and we may constantly be misunderstood. This is the main reason why the need for a good relationship with your children is imprerative.  With a good relationship, you can both assume a positive intention in your communication all the time.

When the child says “Out”, it has a metamessage that says - ‘it’s really none of your business’, or ‘you don’t need to know’, or ‘back off, give me some space’. The underlying meta message is not 100% clear, but it does indicate that communication is layered. The willingness to provide relevant information has disappeared.

So what can we do? The first thing is to be aware that children are little adults and perceive the world in many different angles. If you are communicating, ensure that your message is congruent. Think about your intention, and then think about how your child will receive the statement or question you plan to make or ask. Until you both get to a clear understanding, you have to be a little more precise in your communication.

Here’s an example:-

If you want your child to do his work and stop playing computer games, but you know that so far, your communication has fallen of ‘deaf ears’ or that he may get upset that you are taking away his time from his favorite activity…

Typical communication:

“Have you done your homework?” (this question elicits the tempation to lie)

Preferred communication: 

“Son, I know you deserve your own time to play, so if you have done your work, then great, if not, you know finish your work so you can really enjoy your game.” (this statement elicits choice and the option to do the responsible thing)

 

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 18th, 2006 at 12:08 pm and is filed under Communication, Parenting Strategies, Teenage Relationships, Your Child's Studies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.