Concern with Good Looks
25th March 2006
I’ve noticed that a number of teens are starting to grow on the fashion trend, that they have to do something to themselves to make them look good. I mean, if it’s just a fashion trend, that’s fine, but some people just go the extra mile to look good. If they are extremely concerned with good looks, they might be missing the point.
The real lesson that we need to teach our teenagers is that they can be accepted no matter where they go, and of course to show them that the most beautiful person can still be nasty on the inside. The irony is that because teenagers are mostly inexperienced, they take their mental models (which are formed mostly by TV) and impose them on the outside world. So, why not provide our teens with more mental models, stories and examples from our real life experiences, so that they can distinguish people who care about good looks alone, compared with those who prefer someone who is good to them.
The truth is that in society, we do have a huge bias against people who look bad. But the issue is this - somewhere in the world, there will be a group of people who love and care for them. No matter how beautiful someone is, a group of people will still think this person is ugly. Some of the teens whom I know have resorted to anorexic and bulimic behaviors just to avoid getting fat (when actually they are already as skinny as a pole). We just need to remember, in the 15th century, fat was a sign of fertility and was deemed desirable.
Parents thus need to learn how to manage beliefs and expectations. Mostly, we don’t have a clear idea about the way to phrase our language. This gets pretty frustrating because the fact is, our language is the primary controller to the external world. If you go around saying things like “Stop that, you’re being uncivilized” this sets off a different chain reaction in your teenager’s mind compared with “I’d really like you to focus on doing the right thing”. Different methods of communication lead to different patterns of behavior. In fact, your communication can be used to change the patterns of beliefs in your children’s minds. The scary truth is, if we can’t find a counter example to a belief that is not very useful to our children, it’s likely that we might to a certain extent, believe the same thing. So in other words, to get someone else to change, you really have to change first.
So if your daughter is on with the mascara and all the other makeup in your drawers, you’d probably want to educate her on the value of looking good and also being grateful for being able to look good, no matter what she looks like. It’s true that there will always be people who can appreciate her for her beauty.
If your son is on a roll lifting weights and taking additional supplements to buff up, you’d also want to check on him to see if he is doing this for the right reason. I’m not sure, but I’ve seen many people buff up because they literally feel small inside.
A beautiful child is beautiful because people around him or her have had enough contact with them. I don’t presume that just because of this your teenager will eliminate the urge to want to dress up. It’s the first start to bonding. Find out how they are feeling. How it fulfills them. How it makes them feel good. Then tell them they can feel good about themselves anyway. Communication should be used here as a bridge rather than as interrogation.