Parenting Psychology

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Archive for April, 2006

Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting (Contributing Author)

30th April 2006

Authoritarian Parenting, Permissive Parenting, or Loving Parenting

by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Angie was brought up by rigid, authoritarian parents who kept her on a tight leash. They rarely considered her feelings about anything, showing a complete lack of empathy and compassion for her feelings and desires. If she came home five minutes late from school or from an activity, she was punished. Yelling and hitting were their favorite forms of punishment.

Angie was a good girl. She did well in school and did what she was told, but was often sad and lonely and never felt important. When she married and had her own children, she knew that she didnt want to treat her children the way she had been treated. She wanted to consider their feelings and needs. She wanted them to feel valued and important.

Angie was a very loving mother. She spent lots of time with her children, playing with them, listening to them, and giving them much affection and approval. However, because it was so vital to Angie that her children feel valued and important, she often put herself aside and gave in to their demands. Because Angie had never felt important, it was easy to put herself aside. She actually believed that her childrens feelings and needs were more important than hers. As a result, Angie swung the other way from her own upbringing and became a permissive parent.

The consequences for Angie of authoritarian parenting was that she didnt value herself. The results for her children of permissive parenting was that her children grew up with entitlement issues, thinking they were more important than others, and often not being caring and respectful toward others.

Neither authoritarian nor permissive parenting is loving parenting. Loving parenting is parenting that values both the parents and the childrens feelings and needs. Loving parents do not attempt to control their children other than in actual situations of health and safety - nor do they allow their children to control them. They do not violate their children with anger, blame, or hitting, nor do they allow their children to violate them. They do not expect their children to give themselves for others, nor do they give themselves up for their children.

Loving parents are parents who deeply value themselves enough to not worry about being rejected by their children. They are willing to set solid limits on unacceptable behavior and are not available to being manipulated by their children. Their identities are not tied into their childrens performance in school or in other activities, such as sports. Nor are their identities tied up in how their children look. They are accepting of who their children are as individuals, even when their children are very different from them. They do not impose their way of being onto their children, yet at the same time they solidly reinforce a value system that includes honesty, integrity, caring, compassion, kindness and empathy.

As much as we want to be loving parents, unless we have done our own inner work to heal our own deep fears of rejection and domination, we will automatically be acting out of these fears without being consciously aware of it. If you grew up with fears of rejection and/or domination, you will automatically protect against these fears in your relationships with your children. You may find yourself trying to control them out of a fear of being controlled or rejected by them. You might be controlling with your anger or with your giving in and giving yourself up. Fears of rejection can manifest with children through trying to control them with anger, or through trying to control their love through giving yourself up to them. Fears of domination can manifest through controlling them with anger or violence to avoid being controlled by them. Insecurities can manifest through attempting to get your children to perform in the way you want in order to define your worth.

In one way or another, whatever is unhealed within you will surface in your behavior with your children. Raising healthy children means first healing the wounded child within you the part of you that has your fears and insecurities, and your desire to protect against rejection and domination.

Our society has swung back and forth between authoritarian and permissive parenting and the result of both is far less than desirable. We have only to look at the number of people taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs, as well as the number of alcoholics and drug addicts, as well as the rise of crime and the number of people in prisons, to know that neither method works to raise healthy individuals.

Perhaps it is time to accept that we need to be in the process of healing ourselves before becoming parents.

About The Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

margaret@innerbonding.com

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Child Care In Action

30th April 2006

THIS SERIES OF THREE CD S IS IDEAL FOR PARENTS, STUDENTS IN EDUCATION, SOCIAL SCIENCES, AND MEDICINE, DAY CARE CENTER AND IN-HOME CHILD CARE PROVIDERS, CHILD CARE ASSOCATIONS AND REFERRAL AGENCIES. The Child Care in Action Series is a pocket-sized reference to the care of infants and toddlers, preschoolers and school-age children that has the teaching power of a personal tutor. Each CD simulates the effectiveness of personal coaching from a child care expert through narratives, video demonstrations of key child care skills, and exciting interactive games to test one s knowledge. No other product in early childhood education combines text, video, and interactive testing in such a compact, affordable package. Buy Now!

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Parenting (Contributing Author)

30th April 2006

Parenting

by: Clive Taylor

This article on parenting is by a practicing relationship counsellor/therapist, and father.

The following suggestions will be useful for any parent or caregiver who wants to improve their relationships with their children.

In more extreme situations, many of the approaches will still be directly useful, and the overall approach is a guide for what the extreme situation needs to come back to.

It would also be very useful to attend relationship and/or family counselling to uncover the deeper sources of any family conflict.

Main points:

  • Often, it is the unresolved trauma or early needs in the parents or caregivers that set up the behaviour and feelings of the child, so an absolutely necessary first step is for the caregiver to acknowledge and begin to deal with their own unresolved unconscious processes and reactivity.

  • The main thing that children need is to be genuinely liked and delighted-in. They instinctively know your feelings about them. Parents need to arrange their lives so that they have enough opportunity to feel and express delight in their children.

    Children have a primary need to be played with, and talked to, with actual connection, imagination to imagination - eg, on the floor, both delighting in the building and toppling of the blocks!

    The imagination connection has to be real - kids know! Its as real a need as food.

  • The second most important thing is that the parents relationship is the priority not the children. The children need the parents to be the priority as well, as this gives them stability, security and example.

  • There is no such thing as “naughty” - there is always a reason for crying and “misbehaving”.

  • How you want your child to be, you need to be yourself there is no avoiding this, children are acutely aware of hypocrisy and “natural” justice. Be honest about yourself with them you dont have to be perfect, just honest.

  • If children are considered as an inhibition on your “lifestyle”, there will be problems - they love to be included in what you do (exclusion is very damaging).

    It takes much less effort overall, to actually pay real attention to, and to play with children on a genuine level, than to have them continually whining, crying, sulking and demanding.

  • Be consistent and sparing with commands and discipline a continual barrage of un-enforced, or inconsistently, enforced “donts” just makes children switch off to what you say. (This can be very dangerous, when an especially important “don’t” comes along).

    It is very important to consistently apply previously stated consequences to any inappropriate behaviour.

    It is also very important that rules are fair and adhered to by the parents as well.

  • Fairness is very important. Real, and/or perceived unfairness is probably the main trigger of conflict (even with adults).

  • Give children definite, fair, and un-hypocritical limits that are socially acceptable, and as free as possible.

    Your children want your respect and approval, so “discipline” them by withdrawing yourself from them - only for as long as the socially unacceptable behaviour continues. The only “reward” for “good” behaviour is social acceptance - “good” behaviour should be considered as “normal”, nothing special.

  • Children are naturally fully intelligent - they are only lacking experience and information.

  • Encourage physical and emotional robustness” so that they can take, and enjoy, whatever textures life has for them. Dont over-protect or smother a child when hurt. Encourage self-reliance by supporting them to help themselves. But beware, this is not an excuse for abuse or neglect, its a call for diligent, parentally-nurtured self-reliance.

    Encourage self-confidence and self-responsibility. (If a child is obsessively over-protected, with the “message” that they are not capable, then they will be incapable).

  • Uninhibited physical contact is very important avoid imparting your own phobias and obsessions to them. Again, this is not an excuse for abuse as parents and caregivers we must do the work on ourselves, to become free of our own dysfunction.

  • Bring about an awareness and appreciation of beauty.

    (A person, who is happy, and aware of beauty, cannot deliberately destroy that beauty, or harm others or the planet).

  • Action and behaviour need to come out of willingness never fear. (Discipline coming out of fear and hate can never allow a person to be “whole” and creative).

  • Uninterrupted “daydreaming” has been found to be a crucial element in well-being and growth, because lateral thinking, creativity, and internal connections happen in this mind state. Allow children this space if they over-daydream, its possible that there is some unresolved issue in the childs life that needs attending to.

  • Avoid trying to “convince” a younger child with “reason”, just state your position and hold to it firmly and lovingly.

  • Allow children to develop at their own rate, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), while continuing to provide an environment that draws them on.

  • Try not to limit a child’s exploring - exploring is absolutely natural and necessary.

  • Avoid creating conflict with a child by denying them doing what you are doing, or having, yourself - if you can’t change your own ways, (to lead by example), then allow them a minimum of what you are doing or having, (while seeming to allow a lot). Conflict born of (perceived) unfairness is a big problem.

Summary

  • The child needs to be genuinely delighted in.
  • No parent is “perfect” intention, awareness and self-honesty are what are important.
  • Parents need to be firm, consistent, non-violent (physically or emotionally), non-materialistic, un-hypocritical and loving.
  • No put-downs, no guilt, no devaluing.

About The Author

Clive Taylor has spent years of research into consciousness, zero-point physics theory, emergence theory, memes and many other new understandings coming out of mathematics, physics, sociology and psychology.

His ongoing work as relationship therapist is bringing deep revelations about the nature of our psyches.

Author/illustrator childrens books and co-creator of a music CD.

Related web site: www.becomereal.com

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8 Gifts of Parenting (Contributing Author)

29th April 2006

8 Gifts of Parenting

by: Lawrence Vijay Girard

No one who has hugged their child can doubt the gift of a childs presence in their life. The love that is expressed in that simple act is one of the most profound ways that we experience love in this world. In order to nurture the special relationship of parent and child, and fulfill our roles as parents, there are number of things that we are signing up to do. Here is a list of eight essential ways to fulfill our parental responsibilities.

These are gifts that we should freely give to our children without thought of what we will receive in return for our efforts.

  1. The Gift of Life. It is easy to forget that in the act of receiving a child into our lives we are sharing the gift of life itself. Remembering the precious nature of life can help us to keep the ups and downs of daily life in a proper perspective.

  2. The Gift of Love. The most essential ingredient for a happy life is love. There is no feeling more satisfying to the soul, both in giving and receiving, then love. When we include a conscious awareness of this truth and nurture it as the most basic value of our relationship with our children, we will find that many mistakes on both sides can be weathered.

  3. The Gift of Time. Time is the proof of our caring. When you spend time with your child you are saying with your actions: I love you and I would rather be with you than doing anything else. This is one of the best ways that you can objectify your love. It is also one of the greatest blessings.

  4. The Gift of Good Manners. Children from a young age can be taught to behave. This isnt an imposition on their free will. It is a gift that will enhance their lives. The process of developing good manners will help them to begin learning to see how others are affected by their actions. Through the establishment of basic good manners we are giving our children a skill that will benefit them in every other part of life.

  5. The Gift of Self-Control. Through the establishment of good manners from the very beginning we are planting the seeds of a character trait that can serve as a strong support for success in any endeavor: Self-Control. Practice cultivating self-control in your own self first. Then attune yourself to ways that you can instill these same values in your children.

  6. The Gift of Positive Mental Culture. By bringing the principles of positive thinking into all areas of life we develop in our children the experience that all good things are possible. Positive mental culture includes ten overarching areas of development: Non-Violence, Non- Lying, Non-Greed, Non-Sensuality, Non-Covetousness, Cleanliness, Contentment, Self-Control, Self-Study, and Devotion to God.

  7. The Gift of Education. An academic education isnt essential for living successfully in this world. There have been numbers of great people throughout history who couldnt read or write. But next to those great souls who can shine in spite of this lack of formal training, there are millions who could advance their lives immensely if they could but read and write. It isnt enough that we simply send our children to school. This is a gift that opens up a world of information and possibilities for our children. Dont leave this area to chance.

  8. The Gift of Reverence for All Life. Along with these most basic gifts we need to add a reverence for the sanctity of all life. While we cant make our children believe in God or appreciate the beauty and value of the incredible variety of life forms that inhabit our planet, we can communicate our own belief. Not to share your view on these issues is to - by default - preach that they have no value. The communication and application of the highest aspects of life should always be at the forefront of family life.

Given the mixture of things that we want to share with our children we will need to mix and match according to how the soup is cooking. This is one of the beauties of life its variety and spontaneity. It will, no doubt, turn out different than what we had anticipated in the beginning. If we give our children these eight gifts we will be well on our way to fulfilling our duties as parents and sharing with them the tools that will allow them to experience the best that life has to offer.

2003 Lawrence Girard

This article has been provided to you courtesy of Lawrence Vijay Girard, author of Positive Flow Parenting. For more information about his books, articles and seminars, visit his website at http://FruitgardenPublishing.Com

About The Author

Lawrence Vijay Girard is the author of Positive Flow Parenting. Along with being a parent of twins and serving in the past as a soccer coach, scout leader and martial arts instructor, he is currently the spiritual director of the Anandagiri Path of Self-Realization and has more than 30 years of experience in practicing and sharing principles and techniques for integrating spiritual truths with the challenges of daily life.

LawrenceGirard@FruitgardenPublishing.Com

Article Title: 8 Gifts of Parenting

Author Name: Lawrence Vijay Girard

Email: LawrenceGirard@FruitgardenPublishing.Com

Word Count: 766

Category: Parenting / Self-Improvement

Copyright Date: 2003

Web Address: http://www.FruitgardenPublishing.com

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Baby Matters

29th April 2006

Baby Matters provides a convenient and thorough way to keep track of all your baby’s essential information. You will find checklists to help you prepare for the birth experience, schedules for immunizations and check-ups, and a place to record important names and phone numbers. The program will also allow you to record your baby’s milestones and track his or her development. Keep track of sleeping and eating patterns, language acquisition, and all the thousand and one details that make your baby unique. Not only will this program give you the peace of mind of having all your baby’s important health information clearly organized, you will create a priceless record of your baby’s growth.
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Parenting and Running a Home-Based Business (Contributing Author)

29th April 2006

Parenting and Running a Home-Based Business

by: Sue and Chuck DeFiore

An Ann Landers column “Parenthood is not a job for the weak at heart” caught my interest.

Job Description for a Parent

Position: Parent

Job Description: Long-term player needed for challenging, permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts. There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Responsibilities: Must keep this job for the rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety testing , as well as floor maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of end project.

Advancement and Promotion: There is no possibility of either. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

Previous Experience: None required, but on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.

Wages: None. In fact, you must pay those in charge, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income you have left.

Benefits: There is no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options. However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life.

This article is of special interest to those of us who work out of the home. Seeing this Ann Landers column made my think about why so many of us wanted to work out of our homes. One of the big reasons being to spend more time with our families. Balancing a family life and a home-based business can be a delicate one, especially when you look at all of the duties we have as a parent. Truthfully, it is amazing we get anything done at all.

If both partners or spouses are running the business there are some very different and other important factors to consider. Since we have already addressed and written articles on these issues, I will direct you to our website to the articles, Business / Marriage Partners: Will the Marriage Survive (Parts I & II)

There are some good rules however, to help you balance family and business.

Rule #1 - This is one of the most important rules. Yes, this is your home, but it is also my office. What that means is the things you use in your business (like computers, files, fax machine, business phone, supplies, etc.) are off limits to them.

Rule #2 - Set office hours. This lets your family members and friends know when it’s okay to disturb you; when your day is done. This will avoid them taking you away from your work.

Rule #3 - No one but you answers your business line, and if your office is in part of the house, there is to be quiet when you are on the phone. I know sometime pandemonium breaks lose. Well on those occasions it does, don’t answer the phone, let it go into voice mail and call back as soon as you can get away or get the situation under control. Almost all phones today have a mute button, use it, especially with young children that cry and scream.

Rule #4 - Establish rituals. Just like when you worked an outside job, you if dropped them off at the daycare, or their bus stop or school, even if you don’t leave the house, when you are ready to go into your office, tell them good-bye. When you are done for the day, say “I’m home”, or if you take a break say “I’m back for a bit”, but be sure to tell them when you leave again, so they know you can’t be interrupted.

Rule #5 - Follow the other rules. Be sure that the above rules are followed. This is the most important rule. Rules not only help you, they help your kids, family and friends draw the line between your work and your home day.

Some other tips are:

1. Keep a stash of kid stuff in your office. Get a variety of things like paper, stickers, crayons and games, in case your children are in your office and you need to take a call.

2. Get a cordless phone as an extension to your business line. When you enter the “home” part of your house, take the phone with you. If it rings, answer it and walk back to your “work space”. Let your children, family and friends know that when this happens, they should try to be quiet until you are out of earshot or ask the person to hold, and press your hold or mute button until you are back in your “work area” or quiet space.

3. Understand it may not be easy, but if you train your children, family and friends to respect your time, space and need for concentration, both your work and family life will be easier.

Copyright 2001, DeFiore Enterprises

About The Author

Interested in having your own successful, home based creative real estate investing business? Chuck and Sue have been helping folks start successful home based businesses for over 19 years, and we can help you too! To see how, visit http://www.homebusinesssolutions.com for the latest FREE tips and tricks, educational products and coaching in creative real estate investing and home based businesses. No time to visit the site? Subscribe to our “how to” Home Business Solutions Digest, it’s like having your own personal coach: mailto:subscribeHBS@homebusinesssolutions.com

coaches@homebusinesssolutions.com

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The Official “Parenting” Cheesecake Recipe (Contributing Author)

29th April 2006

The Official “Parenting” Cheesecake Recipe

by: David Leonhardt

Whoever writes all those fancy cookbooks has never been a parent. To begin with, the pages are never spill-proof, almost guaranteeing that somewhere in the middle of mixing ingredients, a spill will cover the remaining two ingredients listed. This means that parents must learn to improvise.

Some would suggest that the very thrill of cooking is experimentation. So whats the big difference between oregano and cayenne pepper, anyway?

Then there are all those “quick” recipes to “serve your family” gracing the pages of women’s magazines. NO recipe is quick with Little Helper’s assistance.

For the benefit of parents everywhere, I have taken my favorite cheesecake recipe and translated it into parentease. The non-parent version is available in Cooking By The Book — a free bonus I offer with every purchase of The Get Happy Workbook at http://thehappyguy.com/happiness-workbook.html .

Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake (Parent Version)

Mix one cup of ginger snap cookie crumbs and one tablespoon of olive oil. Add more cookie crumbs to make up for the ones that disappeared about the same time your Little Helper walked into the kitchen.

Press the crumby oil mixture … “Sorry, Little Helper distracted me.” Press the oily crumb mixture into the bottom of a 9-inch spring-form pan, and up around the edges about one inch. Put it in the refrigerator to cool best to slip it in safely behind the broccoli and that thing that’s been turning blue for three weeks in case Little Helper gets inspired

Soften three bricks of cream cheese, ideally in the microwave. If you can’t separate the cheese from Little Helper’s hands, let her keep doing what she’s doing until the cheese is good and soft. Cream the cheese with one and a half cups of pureed pumpkin, three large eggs, two tablespoons of cream, and one cup of brown sugar. Keep mixing until creamy.

Add one teaspoon of vanilla extract. If you are fortunate enough to have help at this stage, you have three options:

  1. Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Vanilla Cheesecake”.
  2. Try scooping out the extra cup of vanilla Little Helper poured in for you.
  3. Start over.

You will also need to add a tablespoon of cinnamon. If Little Helper is in a generous mood, don’t worry. You still have three options:

  1. Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Cinnamon Cheesecake”.
  2. Try scooping out the extra pile of cinnamon Little Helper poured in for you.
  3. Bang your head against the counter and start over.

There is also a tablespoon of ground ginger to add. Sorry about that. Don’t worry, you still have three options…again:

  1. Rename it ” Harvest Pumpkin and Ginger Cheesecake”.
  2. Scoop out as best you can the extra heap of ginger Little Helper added for you.
  3. Bang your head twice on the counter and start over.

I almost hate to mention this, but you’ll need to add a teaspoon of ground nutmeg. And a half teaspoon of salt. And a half teaspoon of allspice. Go ahead and bang your head some more if it makes you feel better.

Fortunately, there is a parental failsafe. It is sort of like a “get out of jail free card”. Look in the bowl. Observe the quantity of creamy things. Observe the quantity of spicy things.

If the quantity of creamy things is even slightly greater than the quantity of spicy things, keep going and pretend you didn’t have any help. Maybe nobody will notice. If the quantity of spicy things is greater than the quantity of creamy things, open another can of pureed pumpkin. Keep adding cans of pureed pumpkin until creamy things are greater than spicy things — or until your grocer runs out of cans.

Pour the filling into the crust. Note, if you had to add too many cans of pureed pumpkin, this could get messy. I recommend hip-waders…especially for Little Helper.

Cook at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for about 50 minutes or until the top is slightly brown and almost as cracked as your head and the counter. Do NOT let Little Helper eat the cake while it is still in the oven.

Let it air cool in a safe place — like at a neighbor’s house — then refrigerate overnight

Just before serving, top with whipped cream and sprinkle with pecans. Oops. I just wrote that last line in non-parentease. It should read: “Now that the whipped cream is polished off, shake the remaining sprinkles on the cake. Unless Little Helper ate them, too.

Now you can sit down and enjoy your Harvest Pumpkin Pie Cheesecake (Parent Version). Oh yes, don’t forget to laminate this page to avoid more impromptu experimentation in the future.

About The Author

The author is David Leonhardt. Sign up for his weekly satire column up at http://TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html or read more columns at http://TheHappyGuy.com/self-actualization-articles.html . Read about funny jelly beans at http://TheHappyGuy.com/jelly-beans-or-toothpaste.html or about funny bananas at http://TheHappyGuy.com/expectations-and-happiness.html .

info@thehappyguy.com

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Kidmate - Divorce, Visitation and Child Custody Software

28th April 2006

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Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations (Contributing Author)

28th April 2006

Spare Your Kids To 7 Most Distressful Divorce Parenting Situations

by: Ruben Francia

What 7 most distressful situations to kids that divorced parents should avoid? Learn them to spare your kids from the painful consequences.

1. Carrying Message Between Parents

A child doesn’t like the feeling that he or she must act as a messenger between hostile parents or carry one adult’s secrets or accusations about another. Children want parents to talk with each other so that the messages are communicated the right way and so that children don’t feel like they are going to mess up.

Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the other parent. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to your “ex” because you find it too awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example to your child that you can resolve a problem with another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.

Wherever possible, communicate directly with the other parent about matters relevant to the children, such as scheduling, visitation, health habits, or school problems.

2. Getting Involve With Money Issues

Avoid arguing and discussing child support issues in front of the children. How would you feel if you are that child hearing mom and dad arguing about your financial support? Most children upon hearing these things feel that their existence is some kind of parent’s burden.

Who will pay for what and how available money should be spent are adult issues that the parents must discuss directly. Do not put your children in the middle of your child support disputes.

3. Hearing Criticisms Of The Other Parent

It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent criticize the other loved parent. Children see themselves as half of each parent. When children hear bad things about one parent, they hear bad things about half of themselves. If they hear bad things about both their parents, they feel that both halves of them must be of little worth.

Even if you are sure you’re right, try to avoid criticizing the other parent around the kids, and try to find good things to say, or don’t say anything at all.

The following is a list of destructive remarks that you should not make to your child. If you find yourself saying words like these, stop and think about their impact on your child.

  • You’re lazy/stubborn/bad tempered, just like your mother/father.
  • Your mother/father put you up to saying that.
  • Your dad/mom doesn’t love any of us or he/she wouldn’t have left us.
  • You can’t trust her/him.
  • He/she was just no good.
  • If she/he loved you, she/he would send your support checks on time.
  • Someday you’ll leave me too, just like your father/mother.

All of these remarks raise fear and anxiety in children.

4. Quizzing Children About The Other Parent

Do not make your children a spy in the other parent’s home. It is very difficult for a child of divorced parents to cope with feeling “caught in the middle”. If they want to tell you about time spent with their other parent (and they usually don’t), listen closely and politely, and then stop. If they don’t volunteer any information, try simply, “Have a good time? Good.”

Encourage your children to love both parents. They must not be burdened with having to align with one parent’s anger against the other.

5. Taking Sides

Your child wants to love both of his or her parents. Asking your child to take your side in any situation regarding your ex-spouse can create a tremendous amount of stress for your child.

Avoid putting children in the position of having to take sides. Allow your children to continue to love both parents without being made to feel guilty or disloyal.

6. Dealing With Parent’s Feeling

Complaining to your child about how lonely you are after the separation makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to “parent” you. It’s not healthy for them to be consumed with worry for their parents’ ability to survive.

Let your child be a child. They need the freedom to be children. It’s easy, but wrong, to make your adolescent child, or even your adult child, a confidant in dealing with your recovery, your dating life, or your fears. Even if children seem capable of handling these concerns without ill effects, they rarely are.

7. Threatening To Cut Off Contact With The Children If The Other Parent Doesn’t Do Or Stop Doing Something

The kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.

Recognize that for your child to have the best chance of growing up to be a functional human male or female, he/she will need both parents as role models and nurturers. This means that there should be some pathway of getting through to the child whatever good that parent has to offer.

Anything that puts a child in the middle of dispute is unhealthy, and causes the most problems for divorcing families. If parents don’t work issues through, those issues have a huge effect on their kids.

It can be hard to do, but parents can improve a situation by recognizing their divorce is from each other, not the children. Kids need to see that even though their parents might not love each other, they are committed to staying connected because of their responsibilities as parents. At time, this may seem absolutely impossible, because the parents can’t tolerate the idea of being connected. Yet the child needs both of them, psychologically if not in reality.

About The Author

Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.

Ruben Francia is an author of an indispensable divorce parenting guide ebook, entitled “101 Ways To Raise Your ‘Divorced’ Children To Success”. Discover the ways to raising healthy, happy and successful children even if you’re on divorced. Visit his web site at http://www.101divorceparenting.com

Publishing Rights: You have permission to publish this article electronically, in print, in your ebook or on your website, free of charge, as long as the author bylines are included.

subscribe@101divorceparenting.com

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Parenting Univeristy: Potty Training 101 (Contributing Author)

28th April 2006

Parenting Univeristy: Potty Training 101

by: Danna Henderson

When your child shows signs of potty training readiness, it’s time to purchase some essential potty training items. There are many new products which can help to make potty training quick and easy for both you and your child. We have researched all of the latest and most effective potty training products. Here, you’ll find a number of new potty training aids, such as the Tinkle Toonz musical potty or the anatomically correct drink & wet dolls that can be used with Dr. Phil’s potty training method. Be sure and browse through our selection of 2004 potty training books and DVDs, which provide a great introduction for both parents and children.

The important thing is to begin potty training with the right training products and information, to ensure your child has a positive experience from beginning to end. Don’t wait until you and your child are frustrated to buy a fun musical potty chair or read a bedtime potty training book.

After you have purchased the potty training products, begin introducing the idea of potty training by reading a book or watching a DVD. Place you child’s new potty chair in the bathroom and let him observe you going potty. Children learn by imitating other family members. This is a good time to teach him good hygiene by washing your hands after using the potty.

Be sure your child knows that he can come to you if he feels uncomfortable or afraid. He needs to know that you will always love him, even if he has accidents. For tips on handling accidents, read our article, Handling Accidents with Composure.

Copyright 2004 ZIP Baby. All Rights Reserved.

Danna Henderson

ZIP Baby

101 Convention Center Drive, Ste 700

Las Vegas, NV 89109

http://www.zipbaby.com

About The Author

Danna Henderson started ZIP Baby in order to provide parents with comprehensive potty training information as well as a large variety of potty training products. For more information about potty training, visit http://www.zipbaby.com.

info@zipbaby.com

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