How Do You Choose For Your Child?
11th April 2006
I’ve been constantly posed this question about children. As parents, when do we let them make a decision, and when do we make it for them against their better judgement? Do we make them do things, or are we afraid that they won’t like it?
My take is this. If you are to have to put your foot down, it must be done because in your judgement, it is the right thing to do. However, there are some mental models in the world today that are unique from your time. So effective communication is best.
The irony is this. In many families, children are forced to accept a decision made by their parents anyway. They have certain rules they have to follow. But then there might be a blow-out of emotions, creating a rift in the family. Because of these past events, parents get a little fightened sometimes to make a decision for them.
For instance, when I run the program SuperKids, parents know that they are in power to send their children because they are still young, and the parent has the moral authority to say ‘go or else’. That’s why we’ve formulated a whole host of strategies to cope with difficult students who were ‘forced’ to attend the program. But guess what - it’s all in the spirit of developing a bond with them and a special teaching relationship so that they still enjoy the session.
Conversely, when their children are older, and I market the I am Gifted, So are You program, parents are less willing to offend their children. It appears that already, the choices they made in the past were thrown out, so this must be thrown out as well. The history that a parent has in making decisions with the child is important as a reference as to whether your choice will be respected. The communication you have with your children has to constantly improve. And how do you do that? Simple.
Rapport building.
Are you in the same world as them to understand what they are going through?
Are you familiar with the trends of the day?
Are you familiar with the way things are in his or her school? The culture there?
Are you willing to accept that your way is the old way, and theirs, no matter how strange to us, could be a new and better (or inevitable) way?
Can we have a decent conversation with our children, and have a well discussed argument laid out rather than just arguing emotions?
These questions and more can be answered when we learn to establish a positive parenting relationship with our child. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to go down to the level of where they are and stay there. You’ll have to show your willingness to enter their world before they will enter yours. Simple as that. Then, hopefully, a decision that needs to be made can be made as partners with an equal level of understanding of each other rather than a disguised dictatorship to be foiled by rebelliousness.