A recent BBC news revealed that Teenagers in the UK are struggling to cope with life.

More British teenagers leave school with good qualifications and go to university than ever before.

Youth unemployment has fallen dramatically in the last 25 years.

Today’s parents are richer than ever before and young people have access to an extraordinary range of activities and opportunities undreamt of even a generation ago.

And yet the mental well-being of our adolescents is among the worst in Europe: one in 10 teenage girls has self-harmed. Child obesity is increasing.

I received a post from Melissa Henkel recently that read:-

“I am adopting a special needs child. She is 11 years old and currently in a residential facility. She came from a horrible background of neglect and abuse. She had to care for other children in the home because her mother was a nonfunctional alcoholic. The mother willingly released her rights a year ago. How do I teach this child not to lie and steel?”

I’ve been constantly posed this question about children. As parents, when do we let them make a decision, and when do we make it for them against their better judgement? Do we make them do things, or are we afraid that they won’t like it?

My take is this. If you are to have to put your foot down, it must be done because in your judgement, it is the right thing to do. However, there are some mental models in the world today that are unique from your time. So effective communication is best.

Over the last few years, brain research has been so rife that some of it that has turned popular has become obsolete for a very long time. We know, however, that there are some basic truths about the brain we need to know in order to help our children develop. 

1. Neurons can grow. Brain cells, once thought to never regenerate, now apparently do. Research continues to support the idea that stimulation of the brain helps faciliate the growth and development of brain cells. 

I’ve noticed that a number of teens are starting to grow on the fashion trend, that they have to do something to themselves to make them look good. I mean, if it’s just a fashion trend, that’s fine, but some people just go the extra mile to look good. If they are extremely concerned with good looks, they might be missing the point.

The reason why kids lie is because they want to be protected. Parents often ask or say things that lead their children to lie, a factor I term as Contributed Pain. By asking the questions (‘Did you do your homework’) parents may end up contributing to the propensity to lie. Kids need to feel that whatever their choice, there is no threat, psychological or otherwise. If not, they will become more attuned to lying. If parents look at their own childhood, they may realize that lying was part and parcel of being safe, especially if their parents were either physically or mentally or emotionally threatening. In order to prevent this from being an issue, parents have to learn how to communicate with their children effectively.

There is a book entitled Learned Helplessness, by Martin Seligman. It highlights how children are sometimes placed in a psychological dilemma that leads them to stop and give up straight away. At such a delicate stage, it would be difficult to intervene if we did not understand the thinking and psychology behind the intervention. A child who just gives up without the desire to press on or fight on is often in this stage of helplessness, because of the belief that nothing they do will work. One thing we can do is to prove to the child otherwise, and begin to surround the child with options that are possible that do not lead to our limited understanding of punishment or reward. More importantly, learned helplessness is created from external means of motivation and punishment. By inculcating more of an inner feeling of motivation, this vicious ‘helplessness’ cycle can be broken. One may wonder – are parents also in a state of ‘helplessness’ too? Yes! I think some of you have done so much that you have come to a point of giving up. In reality, you are fighting perceptions that are not necessarily real, objectively speaking. Parents need to also learn how to break out of helplessness so as to become more aware and shift their habitual patterns to develop flexibility (I mean many other choices, not just one).

Most parents ask me about motivating their children. They don’t seem to be able to do it. But I also know that in the context of Singapore today, parenting styles we once had are completely different from those that we need today!